The Continuing Adventures of Eric

Because all the names and places I have taken from real life

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 06:24:50 GMT

I went to my psychology appointment and I am currently on the way to treating my ADD. I was even able to convince my dad to let me start medication. I'm glad that I was finally able to get to this point, but I feel like I wasted so much time getting here. If I had stuck with it three years ago, or even started again when my symptoms resurfaced, how much less would I have had to have dealt with? But that doesn't really matter and I don't think it ever will. In a way, I'm glad I had such a horrible experience.

While I'm glad that I'm finally getting that portion of my life sorted out, I still feel lost. I went from absolutely knowing what I want to do for the rest of my life to being out at sea lacking compass or sail. I have nothing to go on, I'm not aware of anything that I'm good at. I don't really have a passion for anything. After saying this I realize that I am essentially where I was three years ago. Still clueless, still lost, still adrift.

I think I'm still secretly waiting for something to fall into my lap, for something to be placed before me with the knowledge that yes, this is the thing that I have been waiting for all my life.

I just realized that I expect this to happen quite a bit, and how pathetically naive that is.

So what can I do instead?

What if nothing meant everything?

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 03:46:10 GMT

Ugh, well I've been feeling better lately (thanks Cody, Emily, and everyone else!), but things have been a bit bumpy lately. Let me bring everyone up to speed:

I decided that I didn't want to be a teacher anymore.
I withdrew from both of my classes this semester.
I decided to start a full, professional treatment of my ADD.
I went to career counseling.
I am now living with my brother.
I am searching for a new job.
I am trying to find my place.

I am also currently tired of talking about all of these topics, so I'll save them for later. However, I do want to ask something.

When I went to the career counselor, their tests suggested a few things. A couple of them leapt off the page at me, and I wanted to see what you guys thought.

Librarian and creative writer.

Though I'm still unsure, these had some appeal to me. Anyways, tell me what you think.

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 03:49:16 GMT

I am: unhappy.

And I don't know how to even begin to talk about it.

Then I said," What about Breakfast at Waffle House?" She said, "I think I remember the bacon."

Sun, 15 Feb 2009 05:12:24 GMT

I feel like I should write more, but I feel that when I write, something has to have happened to me. Well, tiny things and small moments happen here and there, but I have to let them accumulate before I have something substantial to say. I'll break this up into a few bits.

Shawn came back, somewhat. I found out that he was arrested one night on an old warrant issued by Network Video because he forgot to return a movie. He was in jail for one day, and when he got out he explained that he had a sort of mid-life crisis at the age of 22. He asked if he could come back, but my dad said no. So he came to grab some essentials from his room and left the rest for Goodwill. I have mixed feelings about the whole thing, but let's just say that I'm glad this whole mess is over.

I have a new roommate, and it's weird how fast it happened. My dad suggested that his co-worker's daughter move in with me, as she was looking for a place to stay. A few days later, she came by to look at the apartment, and the next day she called my dad to say that she could move in by the end of the week. And now she is almost completely moved in, she's bringing the rest of her stuff tomorrow. She seems nice, and I sure that we'll get along. The only thing that I was semi-pissed about was that I had to clean the rest of Shawn's stuff out of his room. I won't go into specifics, but the pile of dirty clothes that he left behind went up to my waist. Oh yeah, her name is Anna Something.

One day, after I watched Gran Torino in the Niceville theater (good movie, by the way), I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things. I went to go grab some pita bread, and as I reached down to get it, there was a woman walking past me with her daughter in tow (the daughter looked about 13 or so, though I'm bad at guessing ages). The daughter was looking right at me when I bent down to pick up the bread, but it slipped and fell to the floor. I bent further to pick it up, and when I looked back up that girl was smiling the biggest smile at me. Not a mocking smile, just and ear-to-ear beaming smile. I smiled a little back at her and walked away. That moment has not stopped bothering me, and I don't know why.

More and more I've been feeling like I'm watching myself from the third person. It probably signifies something, though I'm not sure what.

I've been using the phrase, "What's your ETA?" a lot, and I think I need to stop before it gets out of hand.

Florida needs to make up it's damn mind about what season it wants to be in. I can only make the joke about three days of winter so much before it gets old.

I now posses a map of the internet.

Time to accumulate again...

"Greece isn't a country!" -- My brother

Seriously weird

Fri, 02 Jan 2009 05:31:07 GMT

I just spent the entire first day of the new year completely overdosing on FLCL.

I've seen it all before, but not to the extent of watching it with the english dub, then the subtitled japanese, then the commentary for each episode.

I honestly don't know what came over me, and now I feel really odd.

On a different note, my dad suggested that I move back in to help with my ADD related problem, as a substitute to medication, which he says he will absolutely not pay for. I am still failing to grasp how just having him hover over me to get me to complete work is supposed to help me in the long run. At least it's better than his usual response to the situation, which is, "Just MAKE yourself do it." To me, that's the equivalent of taking someone who can't swim and telling them, "Just swim BETTER. And try to stop DROWNING!"

One of the things that irks me about that is that for every other ailment that I get (cold, headache), he constantly tells me to "take drugs until I feel better." As I understand it, meds either supply/take away the body with something that it can't produce/get rid of, or lessen a condition until the body can take care of it itself. Which is exactly what I feel I need right now. To go back to the earlier analogy, I see meds as the water wings, something to make things easier while I work things out.

The other thing that bothers me is my dad's proposal for me to move back in. No matter how bad I'm doing, I do NOT want to do that. It would turn school, my life, EVERYthing into something that I really don't want. I know that it's a somewhat tenuous illusion right now, but I feel like I'm pretty free to do what I want. That I have control in my life. If I move pack in with my dad, it will feel like I HAVE to go to school, and I HAVE to be a teacher, instead of wanting those things. Everything will seem mandatory, and any hope of a social life beyond those things will be an impossibility. Now that I think about it, no one ever told me that college would be a big formative experience. It was just something that I was supposed to do, it was always not just an option, but guaranteed and inevitable. No one suggested anything about self-discovery, societal inquiry and involvement, or just getting to know people who are vastly different from yourself. School was supposed to be a job of sorts, a drill camp of learning. The funny thing though, is that I haven't been doing any of those things. I haven't really done anything new, I haven't met any new people, and I still don't treat school seriously. It seems that I've just been the same person I've been for the past 3 years, no changes. Hrrmm...

New Year's Resolution -- Be a New Me.

So...

Mon, 15 Dec 2008 17:06:53 GMT

She said she has a boyfriend.

Better

Fri, 12 Dec 2008 18:10:01 GMT

Er...

I've been feeling a bit more level recently. Things are starting to wind down, and I feel like my head is well above the water now.

Classes are just about over, and even though I struggled with them, I managed to finish alright. And concerning my struggling, I'm going to try visiting a therapist and maybe try some medication for what I can only describe as my ADD. I can't seem to stop doing projects at the last second, and sometimes I don't do them at all. I thought that it was just me for a while, that I was doing this to myself for reasons unknown. I kept telling myself, "I wouldn't keep doing something over and over if I didn't derive some sort of pleasure out of it." After talking to my parents and reading about it, I'm pretty sure that I have some form of ADD. Hopefully next semester will go much more smoothly, especially if I don't have to fight myself every minute of every day to accomplish schoolwork.

On that note, I found that my mind is like a laser when I can focus it. I was sitting at my computer, not doing work, when I decided that since I wasn't going to be doing this work anyway, I might as well do something productive. So I cleaned my entire apartment in a hour. Picked up, vacuumed, scrubbed, living room, bathroom, kitchen, everything. It was (and still is) ridiculously clean. It turns out that my apartment was a mess because of my roommates, not me.

Speaking of roommates, I think mine (Shawn) semi moved out. One day, a couple of days before Thanksgiving, he said that he was going into Fort Walton and that he'd be back later. Two days pass. His family came from Alabama to pick him up for Thanksgiving, and he still wasn't here. I explained the situation to them, and they left. They came back with Shawn, who came in to grab his things for the trip, said that he'd had a hectic couple of days and that he would talk to me later, and they left. A day or so after Thanksgiving I came back to the apartment to see that some of his stuff was back. However, he did not show up that day or the next few days. I eventually got a call from him saying that he was in Shalimar, and that he didn't have a ride. I went to pick him up, and he explained a couple of things. He had been meeting with quite a lot of old friends, he got a new job at a restaurant, and he had a place where he could live for practically free. I had to go to work in the middle of his story, and he said that he would explain more when I got back. I came back from work and he was gone. Which brings us to present day, and a very long story that sums up to the fact that I may be looking for a new roommate.

Oh, I forgot to mention that I got a job again. It's at Rockport, the same store I worked at before. However, it's much better now. Before, Rockport was connected to Reebok, where we answered directly to them and it was a giant hassle. Now, the Rockport store has moved to a different place in the mall, making the job much easier. We don't get that many people in, I already know everything about the store, and the hours are flexible. It's the best possible version of that job.

Not much has changed beyond that, except that I'm going to ask someone out on Monday.

"I have the kind of procrastination that went to prison and came back with tattoos and an eyepatch."

...And, oh yeah, Obama is going to be our president

Sun, 09 Nov 2008 07:09:01 GMT

It comes to my mind that I normally use this as a place to record what has been happening around me, or at least that's how it's been recently. So I'll start with that and then ease myself onto what I would like to say.

I am currently in the bachelor's program for middle grades mathematics education at Oh Double-you (or NWFSC, whatever they want to call it now). It's going pretty well, and I seem to be soaking up the information that they present to me at a rapid pace. Although it seems that some of the information that they give comes off as obvious and common sensical, but then I look around and see people rapidly taking down notes and nodding as if it were sage wisdom, so I suppose that it's probably just me. I'm also starting to build my own personal professional library of math books that I'm reading with alarming interest. I knew I liked math, but I'm starting to be a bit concerned about how fast I'm reading these things.

That area of my life is going alright, I suppose. However, I feel like I'm in a spiral of loneliness, jealousy, and hatred most days. My personal life consists of just about nil. There just aren't too many people around here anymore. And, well, it's gotten to the point where I can't stop thinking about being in a relationship again. I can't get it out of my head, it's maddening. And it's not the way that my roommate thinks, as his theory is that I just need to get laid. Sure, yes, eventually, but it's more than that. Just being near someone who you know cares deeply for you and vice versa, someone who you're never afraid to make a fool of yourself in front of, to be completely open and comfortable with them, and really just some companionship, I crave these things. And because I hunger for these things, I see them readily everyday, from the shows and movies that I watch to the people that I see everyday. I envy these people, I am jealous of them, but mostly I hate myself for not being able to put myself out there, being completely incapable of finding or meeting anyone. There's always a distance I put between myself and everyone else, and I'm angry that it's something that I automatically do in my head as I go out into the world.

So most days I feel akin to a deep, unfulfilled pit of loneliness, especially when I'm around people, and I go to bed each night just feeling empty and alone.

Aside: that felt really emo to type... but it's true.

"Whenever I go on these verbal journeys with you I always come back feeling dirty."

Sat, 27 Sep 2008 03:38:07 GMT

After watching the presidential debate, I watched CNN for some after-coverage. On one of the many screens that show various other networks in the CNN headquarters, Mission Hill was showing.

I went to check Cartoon Network, and Mission Hill was on, matching the screen in CNN frame-by-frame.

Why the HELL is CNN watching Mission Hill?

If you don't know what I'm talking about, here.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mission_Hill

Sun, 21 Sep 2008 05:18:41 GMT

If my life was a movie, I feel as though this portion should be in the montage.

Thu, 11 Sep 2008 06:01:58 GMT

Ugh, I hate my social life. I want to meet new people, but I'm too hermit-like to want to meet new people.

How the hell did I ever make friends?

And what is it about one in the morning that makes me feel like shit?

Wed, 10 Sep 2008 05:13:36 GMT

Note: I need more/new friends. I can count the number of people I know in Niceville on one hand.

So many words, not enough cake

Sun, 21 Oct 2007 08:20:30 GMT

Seriously, I think I can only post around 2 in the morning or later. For some reason, the juices don't flow properly until I feel like I'm going to pass out on my keyboard and produce a very interesting post.

So, right on to the EXTREMELY shitty news. So shitty, it deserves it's own line.

Cynthia and I broke up.

Yeah...

...

I was very tempted to leave it like that, but instead I'll expand on it a little.

It was last Monday, the day after we'd been together for two weeks. She came over, we started talking, and decided that breaking up was the best choice of action. Nothing "came to a head," there was no fighting, just what I believe to be a mutual feeling of "Ok, unless one or both of us changes dramatically, this relationship is not going to work in the long run. And since any chances of either of us changing so drastically in any shorter amount of time is crazy unrealistic, it's probably best if we tone ourselves down to "friends" until those changes occur, sometime after our machine overlords rust away."

We still talk to each other, we've hung out once or twice since then, but the fact is, it's kinda hard to be around her now. I think I just need a little space for a while, then I'll be able to hang out with her more frequently. All things considered, I think I'm handling it very well.

Ok, now other things.

School is going alright, Calculus is going... COULD be going slightly better, and I really enjoy my teaching technologies class, even if the most we've done in there was do an in-depth powerpoint in a group.

Work has been hella busy, we're getting ready to do our inventory this Tuesday, and the prep work is horrendous.

The cable in my living room works on the big TV now, mainly because Sean figured out that it had to be put on the "cable" setting, thereby cementing into the lore that I am a gigantic idiot.

I've discovered that listening to The Doors in my car with the windows down makes me feel like I'm in a movie. I do it as absolutely much as I can.

I found that I REALLY like doughnuts that aren't glazed, or have anything at all on them, for that matter. Delicious, and not messy! A valuable find, indeed.

I got the Orange Box, and it's amazing. Or it WOULD be amazing if my computer wasn't such a bitch about running it.

WHAT THE HELL?! Stephen Colbert is running for president! At first, I was in shock, but now that it has sunk in, I can only imagine what the world would be like with Stephen in charge. I know it sounds stupid, but I will probably vote for him. If probably means certainly.

Cynthia let me borrow "Mere Christianity" a bit ago, and it's a very good read. But I have to wonder why, when she was trying to explain Christianity to me, the didn't just hand me this book. No offense, but C.S. Lewis does a much better job of explaining things, i.e. -- making some things in there have at least a semblance of sense.

And now it's three, and I want to go sleep now. I should post relatively soon, but I make no promises on that.

"You can't kill the Metal. The Metal will live on." -- Jack Black

Sighs all around

Sat, 06 Oct 2007 07:01:25 GMT

The problem between Cynthia and myself is finally beginning to sink into my skull at an alarming rate. At first it was just “Oh, ok. We argue from time to time. Not too bad.” Like most things in life, it’s much worse than it seems. It turns out there’s not much of a future between us if I don’t convert.

Allow me to explain. Through much talking we’ve found that Cynthia does not want to marry a non-Christian. Yes, I know, FAR down the line, but it came up, regardless. Yes, I know there’s a passage in the bible about how Christians can’t marry non-Christians, and Cynthia says that she wants a “strong spiritual leader” for a husband. Add to this the fact that every married couple she knows that have that mix of believer-nonbeliever, including her parents, have either fallen apart or have a strained relationship. So it boils down to “Convert, or this is as far as we go, relationship-wise.” But, the consolation from her is that she wouldn’t break up with me, she would still hang around as my girlfriend until I changed my mind, presumably until the end of time. Oh JOY.

Oh yeah, don’t forget about classic “You’re going to HELL if you don’t convert” …THING. That NEVER gets old.

I’m sorry, but sometimes it’s hard for me to filter out information when all my ears are hearing is “Bullshit bullshit bullshitbullshitbullshit this is total BULLSHIT.” It is SO FRIGGING FRUSTRATING. Let me break this down a bit. I could be a strong MORAL leader; I have morals out the ass (And NO, Cynthia, our moral presuppositions are NOT religious in nature. We gave religion ITS morals.). Spiritual leader, I guess not so much, you might have to look elsewhere for that “need.” Failure of mixed couples? To be honest I don’t really know that many married couples but I do know my dad. My step-mom is pretty religious, and my dad is not so much. I have not seen them argue ONCE the whole time I’ve seen them married. That’s a rock for me, and besides, we are NOT those other people. We can work something out. And, as it turns out, that “stay around for EVER” thing is just the worst possible idea. It would be awful to spend so much time around someone in that manner and know that you can’t go any further. No marriage, no kids, no future. BALLS, says I.

She says she loses sleep over this, and understandably so. But the most frustrating about this that I HOPE she understands is that this is ALL FROM HER. I have no desire to “convert” her to my way of thinking (actually, just a little, in all honesty) and this all originates form her foisting her beliefs onto me. Somehow, this seems familiar to me, where have I seen this before?… Oh yeah! MY ENTIRE LIFE. I am absolutely SICK of the distressing lack of people who can say “Hey! We have different views and opinions, but that’s OK. I’m not going to force my beliefs on you.”

I know that she’s not doing it deliberately, but that’s how she comes off. And I’m not trying to attack her, this is just my frustration venting from my whole day. I am really, REALLY tired this. Almost seven weeks of this. Oh yeah, we’ll have been together seven weeks this Sunday.

Sigh………

"Millions of peaches, peaches for me! Millions of peaches, peaches for free!" -- Peaches

UNPRECEDENTED!!! A POST LESS THAN ONE WEEK LATER!!!

Wed, 19 Sep 2007 06:55:47 GMT

So, my roommate Sean has been having some troubles in his life lately, and he actually told me moments ago that he wishes that he could be like me.

This is a first. No one has ever told me that before. I'm really sorry for him, but I'm not gonna lie, it made me feel really awesome.

Then he went away and came back, and we've been talking off and on throughout the night. While we were talking, something occurred to me that, for some reason, I never REALLY realized before: Sean is really freakin' cool. He just radiates this aura of coolness. Plus he's a great guy and I'm really happy that I was able to make him feel a bit better just by talking with him.

I also printed out a copy of Jonathan Livingston Seagull for him to read. That book always makes me feel better if I'm feeling a bit down.

On another gear, Cynthia and I have been together for one month this past Sunday. I've seen her at least once every single day this whole time. I thought I might get sick of someone if I was exposed to them for so long, but every day I find I still want to spend time with her.

But our one problem still remains. I'm trying to be open-minded about it (key word is trying). And hell, I even bought a bible the other day. Yet sometimes it seems like I'm the only one keeping an open mind, and whenever I show lack of willing to read the stuff, she gets a little sad or upset and... and I seriously almost went on a rant there. Sigh...

It's frustrating, but I hope that we'll get through it.

"Rule one of the new constitution is that babies need to get the hell off my robes." -- Married to the Sea

Learning Epsilon and Delta is like a right of passage, man

Sat, 15 Sep 2007 05:13:29 GMT

Here's some quotes from people over the past week or so.

My Calculus teacher:

"Now let's find the limits of non-linear functions!" *throws up horns*

"The limit as smiley-face goes to zero of sine smiley-face over smiley-face equals one."

Cynthia:

"I think it'd be awesome to drown."

"THE BIRDS!!!"

"I'm SO sorry about your chin."

The last two quotes need some explanation. One day Cynthia and I went to Panera Bread for lunch. The food was great but neither of us could finish our meal. I went to throw our stuff away when she she said "WAIT!" and took the foods and put them outside under a table just outside the window we were sitting at. After about three minutes some birds came and started pecking at the food, but they were scared away by passing people. But then they came back. EN MASSE. What seemed like the entirety of Destin's bird population decided to start devouring our discarded lunch. It was glorious.

One night a week or so ago, I was taking Cynthia back home after hanging out for a bit, when we got into a religious argument. It is worth noting, at this point, that she had been eating Eclipse mints, which come in a metal container. Anyway, the debate started to heat up and eventually I got her so mad she threw her can of mints at me. They hit my chin square on and mints flew everywhere. I was stunned for a moment or two, until she said "Oh my god, your chin is bleeding!" I looked in my rearview to see my chin, which was in fact bleeding at a good pace. At that point I moved from a state of shock to what can only be described as relentless giggling. She apologized profusely for the next few minutes, but I kept telling her it was alright, continuing my incessant giggling. She is still apologizing for it today, much to my chagrin, because I seriously am not angry about it. I don't know why. I told my boss about it and he said I should have dumped her, and a few people agreed with him. I just don't know why, but it was really, really hilarious to me.

And well, it's almost been four weeks with Cynthia. I still have some doubts, but overall I feel good about things.

No, NOT enough quotes!

"Guilt jerked Brutha upright like a hooked fish. He turned around, and sagged with relief. It wasn't Vorbis, it was only God." -- Small Gods

I completely forgot to put a title

Tue, 04 Sep 2007 06:30:26 GMT

SO! Guess what? I met someone.

Her name is Cynthia and we met about two weeks ago, when I went bowling with her, Cody, and Brendan. We really hit it off, and we spent as much time as we could these past weeks. I Really like her. We're similar enough so that we share some common experiences but different enough so that nothing really gets old. Whenever I'm around her I feel instantly happier, even if I was cheerful to begin with, elevating me to a yet undiscovered level of happy. Time just flies by when I'm with her, but afterwards, we feel like we've been together for months. And, I don't know, I've always been secretly (or not so secretly) afraid of relationships, but everything between us just clicks.

Except...

Sigh...

She's... a Christian.

Now let me clarify, as this doesn't really bother me. I said that mainly to annoy her when she reads this, because she said that in HER journal. Only the other way around, i.e. He's... an Atheist.

Honestly, it doesn't bother me, I kind of like that about her (most of the time). I've never been very judgmental of other religions, because they don't really affect me. You believe what you want, I'll be over here in the corner, reading. But, now it's affecting me, and it's starting to bother me. We sometimes get into debates on the subject, which wouldn't normally bother me, but I don't want to argue with her. But the religion thing means a LOT more to her. She's even said to me that she's more concerned about my soul than our relationship, which I personally feel is a complete reversal in meaningful priorities, but then again, it's just how we see the world. This is something we have to work on, and I'm willing to if she is.

Other than that, nothing really happened. OH, I DID clean my apartment, and amazingly, it STAYED CLEAN. HOT DAMN.

OH YES WAIT, I did start school again. I'm taking Calculus 1 and Intro to Teacher Technology. Calculus is, well, Calculus. What else can you say? Teacher's Tech is pretty cool, but I'm the only guy who wants to teach Math in that whole damn class. It makes me sad.

NOW I think that's it.

...

Yeah, that's all.

MORE CAPS!!!

NAUGHTY BITS! -- Cynthia

The Small, Ignored Comeback!

Sun, 05 Aug 2007 06:13:58 GMT

Well damn. It's been a really long while, hasn't it? Where to begin...

I went to Orlando to visit my grandparents. I had a really good time, there was some sort of wind tunnel you could practice sky-diving in, and my brother and I went on that. If I could figure out how to post pictures or video I would show you guys how much me and my brother suck at pseudo-sky-diving. We also went to a big flea market thing where my brother got some swords from a giant sword booth. I got some swords too, it seemed the right thing to do.

Porter moved out. Now that he's gone, I realize that he might have been the worst roommate ever. Don't get me wrong, he's a cool guy, but DAMN, what a slob. My new roommate, Sean, and I cleaned the apartment the day after he left, which was Monday, and today it's still clean. Doesn't sound like much, but that kind of clean wouldn't last a day if Porter were still here. Speaking of Sean, I think that we'll get along really well, especially because it's been a month now and I haven't had the urge to throttle him even ONCE.

I have developed some sort of attraction to floral print shirts, and I don't know why.

I have re-discovered Chinese food. Well, re-discovered to the extent of steamed dumplings, wanton soup, rice, and fried crispy noodles. Everything else is still a mystery inside a riddle wrapped in an enigma. Hopefully a delicious enigma with a creamy mystery-riddle filling.

I feel like I'm not really moving forward, just letting myself get carried along by the events of each day. I also keep getting the feeling that I'm watching myself from the third person a lot more frequently than I used to, like I'm outside of myself. I wonder if the two are connected.

If anyone is ever in town, I would not object to you stopping by and saying hello.

On Wednesday I felt like I was in a crappy horror movie. Sean, his girlfriend, and I were in the kitchen when she notices a few dots on the pantry door. We all look closer and see that the few dots were actually baby flies. And then we looked closer around the apartment. They were EVERYWHERE. It seems that Porter had left a big pile of trash in the kitchen, and the mound of filth seemed to be spawning the beasts. I went out and bought some Fly-Raid and nuked the house with it. Thirty minutes later we went back in and most of them were dead, though there are still some survivors flying around my head as I type.

That's it for now, hopefully I can remember to post more frequently. Or I probably won't. But I'll try, and that's what counts.

Kinda.

"The news that they have nothing to fear is guaranteed to strike fear into the hearts or innocents everywhere." -- Sam Vimes

Today's Tom Sawyer, he get's high on you.,..

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 05:11:03 GMT

I don't usually talk about my dreams, but last night's was particularly vivid. I remember going on a rafting ride through some canyons that turned out to be the shelves in my store, then I dried off fully clothed next to a girl I then realized was rafting with me. She looked at me and took me another room over, saying to not be afraid of hell(?), and a question popped up in my head that I asked her. If you were in a pitch dark room, would leave it that way or light a candle? She thought about this and made the observation that while the darkness is scary, the shadows made by the candle would be scarier. That darkness in the presence of light is scarier than true darkness. And in that moment, I felt like I loved her.

And then I woke up.

It left an impression on me that I just can't shake off...

And hey, it's a little weird, but it's better than waiting another month to post, right?

"It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life." -- Terry Pratchett

It seems to me people aren't updating as often as I would like...

Thu, 31 May 2007 05:03:13 GMT

I think I'm getting semi-depressed. I mean, how else can I feel alone in a house full of people? Day to day passes by pretty well, but when I'm alone I feel, for the lack of something wittier to say, very alone. In that sense, I feel like I go from a naive optimist to a jaded cynic in a period of about 3 nanoseconds every damn day. It's a behavioral shock that took some time for me to get used to. If anyone has some advice on how to feel better, I'm open to ideas, short of "get drunk and have random sex," because Porter already suggested that one.

It recently occurred to me that I don't update very often in a LIVEJournal, so I suppose I'll let you in on what's been happening. You being the you plural, so no, I'm not just talking to YOU. I'm talking to YOU.

I don't drink soda anymore. Not because of any weight or dietary problem, it's just that soda does... THINGS to my digestive system. Every time I drink a soda, I get a thorough "cleaning out," if you know what I mean. And I bet you wish you didn't. So no more soda for, I'm giving it about six months or so.

Sometimes I feel that facial hair is the only thing that prevents people from calling me "ma'am."

I've decided to stay here for a bit longer, maybe as long as another year. I've thought about this in depth, and right now, moving to Tallahassee isn't the best plan for me. Sure, moving in with Jared, Shana, and I think Chris would be ten million kinds of awesome, but that'd be the only good thing about the experience. I would be moving into a new city, I would have to pay a larger amount of rent with a lower-paying job where I won't know anyone, away from my parents and, oh yeah, going to school semi-full time. Staying here seems like a better strategy for me right now. I'm sorry about the build-up, and the putting off, but when I suggested the idea it was a kind of half-assed, spur of the moment thing and I really didn't think it through. Again, I'm really sorry.

I've been taking more and more pictures of clouds, lately. I don't know why. I see them when I'm driving and I start to stare at them until I realize that I'm veering towards oncoming traffic. At this point I begrudgingly shift my attention to my driving and save my life with a grumble.

I've been babbling incoherently much more often lately. I'll walk into a room, say something that clearly isn't English, (or any real language, for that matter) and walk back out. I'm starting to really weird people out at work.

Well, I feel much better. I'm gonna try to update more often from now on, try to get back into the groove, you know? YOU know...

"If you HAVE to look along the shaft of an arrow from the wrong end, if a man has you entirely at his mercy, then hope like hell that man is an evil man. Because the evil like power, power over people, and they want to see you in fear. They want you to KNOW you're going to die. So they'll talk. They'll gloat. They'll watch you squirm. They'll put off the moment of murder like another man will put off a good cigar. So hope like hell your captor is an evil man. A good man will kill you with hardly a word." -- Men at Arms

Ehhh, 10 hour shifts can bite me

Thu, 05 Apr 2007 06:23:31 GMT

Damn it all, I'm a hopeless, imaginative mess. I've built up this damn faceless crush in my head to the point where I think I'll just find the love of my life in some weird random chance EVERY FREAKIN' DAY. And who knew? I go home every day without this happening. I need to get a hold of my imagination or something, or better yet, could someone tell me where you meet people? Or perhaps where you met peoples.

Anyway, change gears.

It always boggled my mind as to why people could never combine evolution and god, or God, if you prefer. Maybe it's the mediator in me, but those two go together perfectly. In that darn beginning, lots of people and books (most of them holy) state that God (why not?) made the world and everything in/on it. That would include the animals, and most people (the same ones as before) would say that evolution flies in the face of that.

NOT SO!

Wouldn't it make more sense, given the amount of evidence for evolution, that Deity would have made the creatures in their INITIAL forms AND created the process known as evolution? How hard is it, really, to say that Dios made everything AND evolution in the beginning? Actually, by doing this, you would be giving God (last time) even MORE credit than you were before.

See? Everyone's happy now. Next debate please!

...

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I got a new car.

More on that later.

"That's the new MTV. It's what MTV looks like when we seize the reins in glorious revolution." -- Jerry Holkins

I almost forgot about it!

Tue, 20 Mar 2007 00:19:31 GMT

Could someone send me the group prom picture we took? It'd be awesome if I could have some sort of copy of that.

Blech, I've been in the worst mood lately. Lately being, actually, right up till this post. This was originally going to be short and I guess mildly depressing. But you see, I found that Porter had put a new program on my compy so that he could record his guitar sessions. Along with recording the sounds of the guitar, you can record voices too, and what do you know? He had a microphone set up.

For some reason hearing the sound of my own voice played back at me and realizing how weird it was snapped me out of my funk. I seriously can't get over how cool my voice sounds. That is NOT the voice I hear in my head, let me tell you. Even though I still feel like I want to meet someone, I'm feelin' pretty good.

I feel so good I might get a myspace.

...

Ehh, not yet.

"Grief is depression in proportion to circumstance; depression is grief out of proportion to circumstance. It is tumbleweed distress that thrives on thin air, growing despite its detachment from the nourishing earth. It can be described only in metaphor and allegory…Grief is a humble angel who leaves you with strong, clear thoughts and a sense of your own depth. Depression is a demon who leaves you appalled." -- Andrew Solomon

I prefer it happen the other way around, actually

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 06:37:46 GMT

Why do I feel like I miss someone who I've never met? It's almost as if I'm waiting for them everywhere, desperately wanting to meet them for the first time. And every night, before I go to bed, I think about this and I miss that person even more.

It's like I'm in love with someone that I know absolutely nothing about before I get the chance to meet them.

Well, I'm gonna go to bed now.

Dammit.

"Love is easy. It's people that are hard." -- Anon.

Days of MY life, not yours. Get your own.

Tue, 06 Mar 2007 07:42:20 GMT

Lately it seems that days have been passing in blurrs. Every day seems the same, but is punctuated by tiny moments of meaning. It's these moments that turn most days into good days, less bad days or, hell, just thoughtful days.

One day I realized I'd rather think and listen to my own thoughts than listen to the radio in my car. This has caused me to run three stop signs in the past month.

Another day I passed a woman on the side of the road holding up a sign that said "Family needs money for food, gas." Behind her was a van that practically spilled out with people. I passed them by practically without looking and felt like a horrible excuse for a human being. Then, realizing that I felt that way, I felt really good about myself.

I was almost late to work one day, and at the light that I had to turn left at to enter the outlet mall, I decided to hell with the oncoming closer-than-I-thought-it-was traffic. I sped up to get past the coming stampede of cars and very narrowly got hit head-on. Afterwords my heart was racing like I had just sprinted a mile, and I cursed myself for doing something so stupid: I had risked my life so that I wouldn't be late for work.

Yesterday I watched Stranger than Fiction, you know, the movie about a man who starts to hear someone narrate his life. Today at work I started to narrate my life in my head, to the point where I had to ask myself if I was really that easily impressionable.

I was surprised one day to find, in the span of a few minutes, it is easy for me to answer the big questions yet frusratatingly difficult to decide on the smaller ones. I was asked where I wanted to eat, and after about half an hour I decided on Wendy's. About three minutes after that monumental decision, I was asked a big question: "Why are we here?" To this I replied as honestly as I think I ever have, with "Because we're not over there."

One day I came to the startling realization that I might be mature enough for a relationship, and was even more startled to find that I actually wanted one.

Ugghhh, I'm gonna sleep now. I've have work tomorrow.

"In other news, last night I dreamed that I was Mega Man. Imagine my disappointed surprise when I awoke to find myself unable to shoot lasers beams from my bionic arms." -- Sohmer

The History and Evolution of My Non-Faith (Part 1)

Thu, 08 Feb 2007 07:51:03 GMT

No, no cut for you. Cuts are for pansies, and for... people who know how to do cuts. I am not part of those crowds, although some may argue on the part of the former. And no, don't bother telling me how do a cut, because I won’t care and I won’t remember.

Anyway, this has been burning a hole in my head for a while now, and I thought that I’d share it with (who else?) you, the people. (EDIT: Before I wrote this I thought that I’d get it all done in one go, but after finishing the first part, that seemed neigh impossible. Therefore, I’m going to do it in parts.) As they say in many places, let us start from the beginning.

This starts a little blurry, but I know that I was raised Roman Catholic. What I also remember was that I went to church, Sunday school, the works. I think at one point I owned a kid’s bible, highlighting the main stories and illustrating them with drawings by kids, or very, VERY untalented adults. I do recall praying on occasion a few nights of the week, and as much as I want to know what I was thinking back then, if I really believed and had faith, I can’t remember a damn thing about it.

Things start to get less blurry around the time of my first communion. We were getting all prepared for our first ever confession, and everyone in my family somehow got it into their heads that I liked dolphins, so I got a bunch of porcelain dolphins as presents to commemorate the occasion. On the big day, a few of my extended family were there, I think mostly on my mom’s side. They gathered us kids and told us what to expect, listed a few things that we might’ve done wrong and should apologize for, and before I knew it, I was sitting in the darkened box with the pastor asking me what my sin was. Now at this point, I’m still in elementary school (at the moment I can’t remember the age), so I have a short attention span and memory, and I can’t really remember the bad things that I’ve done and I admit this to the pastor. He was aware of the little speech we got beforehand and helps by suggesting that I try remembering if I’ve done any of those. At this point I’m so nervous I forgot the actual categories of sin and I can only vaguely remember their order. So, there in the darkened confession booth, I admit for the first and last time, my sins: “I’m sorry for number 1, 2, 4, and, uh, 7.” The pastor laughed, said that I was forgiven, and that I could go. I remember stepping out to see my family, the next kid walking into the booth, the rest of the kids waiting to go, and (against expectations) feeling very unchanged. My family was very excited for me, the kids waiting looked nervous, and the kid going next gave me a fearful look as he passed. I distinctly remember thinking, “This is stupid.”

That exact moment, I believe, is where everything started.

To be continued, probably tomorrow-ish. Comment as you will.

"But some people don't WANT to see Harriet Tubman driving a space train!" -- Steven Colbert